Earache Records’ New Noise Attack, translated song by song into fanspeak

Like a list on Cracked’s website, I’ve gone through all 14 songs from Earache Records’ new compilation, New Noise Attack, and stripped away the hype and puffery from each track, essentially translating each into fanspeak, or, What You’ll Probably Say After Hearing Each Number.

Follow that? Yeah you did. Nice.

Track 1– Enforcer’s “Midnight Vice”: practically straight out of 1985, even production wise (light on the bass, drums doing nothing beyond bumpa-chih, bumpa-chih, bumpa-chih), this literally could’ve come straight from the last hour of Headbanger’s Ball (were it actually around in 1985)– sounds like Krokus.

Track 2– White Wizzard, “Shooting Star”: heavy Dokken with an Iron Maiden chorus. Will instantly transport you to 1985, unless you have no memory of that, in which case it might sound unique. Utterly derivative, but actually pretty fun.

Track 3– Cauldron’s “All or Nothing”: even heavier Dokken, almost Motörhead-ish. Very cool.

Track 4– Hour of 13, “Naked Star,” is Badlands or the Black Crowes (or similar Led Zep/ Stones worshipers) [also] worshiping the devil.

Track 5– The Soulless, “Earthbound,” is similar to The Faceless or Obscura or every other tech-death band. Catchy, but nothing special.

Track 6– The Browning [is this an Elizabeth Barrett reference or a lessening of Machinehead’s “The Blackening?”] and their “Standing on the Edge” is –wait for it– a mix of deathcore with an electronic section that sounds like Paul Oakenfold. Primary reaction to this will be “Why?”

Track 7– Woods of Ypres, “I Was Buried in Mount Pleasant Cemetary”: somber solo piano opener, like a combination of Chopin and Night Ranger; becomes then a Smiths’ number if Morrissey liked Rammstein.

Track 8– Wormrot’s “Erased Existence,” is a fun, puckish hyperkinetic grindcore number. Quite diggable. (Also, 0:43 long.)

Track 9– Oceano, “Weaponized.” Everything that is wrong with Deathcore.

Track 10– Cerebral Bore, “The Bald Cadaver”: completely formulaic tech-death, but done so enthusiastically it’s fun to hear. Like everyone in the band is too young to have any original ideas, but is so young that they have enough excitement and adrenaline to make you remember how furious death metal can be. Also there are pig squeals.

Track 11– And Hell Followed With, “This Night is the Coroner’s”: cool band name and song title, but otherwise Every Technical Death Metal Band You’ve Ever Heard. It’s like Earache, at this point, are shotgunning death metal bands into the public ears, i.e., “Let’s hit them will thousands of bands that are exactly the same– one or two or them are bound to hit home.”

Track 12– Bonded by Blood, “Prototype: Death Machine”: we have some points! It’s generic too, but it’s not death metal! It’s thrash! Bay area-style! Slow, groovy introductory number followed by a groovy mid-tempo number with a fast chorus chock-full of gang vocals. Takes you straight back to 1988.

Track 13– SSS, “Eat me, drink me, burn me,” is similarly thrash, but more east coast (think MOD, right down to the Milano-ish vocals, or even Gothic Slam)– fun, punkish thrash ranting.

Track 14– Diamond Plate, “Waste of Life,” back to the west coast with our now-progressive thrash. Sounds like Forbidden with a less-melodic, more gutteral Russ Anderson. Good, not great. Tasty drummer, though.

So, top tracks, in order: Wormrot, Cauldron, White Wizzard, Cerebral Bore.

Get it here in the States, or here in the UK.

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